


A Flawed Illusionary Gemstone

by Cumberbatch Critter (ivelostmyspectacles)



Series: Mommy and Daddy's World Hopping - Between the Pages [2]
Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Post - Celes, TW: suicidal thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 11:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4834196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivelostmyspectacles/pseuds/Cumberbatch%20Critter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't remember the last time he has cried so hard. Probably never; a lifetime of smiling meant sadness, in any form, was repressed and buried instantaneously. </p><p>[Set almost immediately following the events of Celes.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Flawed Illusionary Gemstone

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted Fai and Tomoyo to have a moment (actually I want Fai to have lots of moments with lots of people), so this. I really was looking forward to a broken Fai in the manga and then... it didn't happen Dx So he had to have someone building him up in the meantime.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~the ending is complete shit but i couldn't get it right ugh~~
> 
>  
> 
>  ~~~~I do not own _Tsubasa_. Thanks for reading!

The pain in his chest doubles with each throb of his heart until he's sure that it will destroy him.

The realization is not unkind. He clutches at his chest, eyes swimming with tears, gasping and shaking until he falls to his knees, a singular thought taking over his mind _want to die want to die want to die want to_ -

Kurogane might die.

He believed Princess Tomoyo when she said that he would not die, because he was shaky and vulnerable and likely to believe anything. Kurogane held Tomoyo in high regard, also, so what she said must hold importance.

But what if he _did_ die?

What if he died because he hadn't been able to do what he was meant to do? He hadn't been able to save Fai, so he had taken on his namesake and kept searching. He hadn't been able to end Ashura-ou, so he had trapped him and kept running. Even now, when the events that had happened had happened because of spur of the moment and sudden decision - or lack thereof - when he had been about to fall victim to his curse, _he couldn't even do that_.

And if Kurogane died because of him, if Kurogane died because he himself couldn't do the things he was meant to do, if Kurogane died _for him_?

Fai grips at his bloodied clothes tightly and presses his hand over his mouth to stifle the sobs and buries his face against his knees.

Kurogane isn't supposed to be the one who dies.

It's supposed to be _himself_.

That was just... how it's... supposed to be...

 _None_ of this was supposed to happen! He wasn't supposed to get attached, they weren't supposed to get attached, they weren't supposed to get _hurt_ because of _him_. Not because of _him_ , he wasn't _worth_ that pain.

He doesn't hear the door slide open until it's too late, but he's too far gone to right himself, anyway. It's Princess Tomoyo who walks in, and Fai freezes in that instant, fearing that the worst has come to pass. For that instant, his eyes bounce around the room, looking for something, _anything_ , a way out of this nightmare, because he doesn't want to be here any longer, he doesn't want to suffer through making anyone _else_ suffer-

"Kurogane is alive."

He freezes for a different reason, relief trickling through his ice cold veins before it turns to a warm rush of emotion, and when he breaks down this time - as though the tears had dried on his cheeks to begin with - he's certain he won't be rebuilt.

When Tomoyo folds herself down next to him and gently pulls him into an embrace, it startles Fai but he wastes no time to bury his face into the soft folds of her clothing, and he cries and cries and _cries_.

He doesn't remember the last time he has cried so hard. Probably never; a lifetime of smiling meant sadness, in any form, was repressed and buried instantaneously. And he knows it should bother him that he is suddenly too intimate with Princess Tomoyo, that he can smell the scent of her skin and make out individual embroidery on her kimono through his tears, and that it should bother _her_ , but neither of them say a word.

Fai is incapable, and Tomoyo is patient.

He realises why Kurogane respects this woman so much.

When his tears have dried up - a feat thought impossible - Fai feels again sick to his stomach and that Tomoyo's kimono must be soaked from his tears. The latter draws forth a strangled, sick laugh from Fai's lips, and he presses his back against the wall, and tries to make himself as small as possible. Now is not the time for laughter.

"Do smile, Fai-san," Tomoyo says softly, and Fai jumps slightly and looks at her in surprise. How could have she possibly known? "Kurogane would wish it."

Fai swallows. Tries to speak. And has to swallow and try again, clearing his throat shakily. "Funny... I... I think Kurogane rather hates it when I smile." He brushes his fingers against his ears, and rubs the wetness clinging to his lashes away.

"I wouldn't say so," Tomoyo replies. "Kurogane has no tolerance for false pretence, however."

Fai glances at her, again surprised in a muted sort of way. He doesn't react when Tomoyo reaches forward to place her hand against his cheek, pale fingers cool against his face.

"I know of you. Your eyes hold a great sadness, Fai Flourite, and not just from the events of today."

Fai doesn't know how to respond to that. So he does what is easier. He closes his eyes.

"You must smile, Fai. Because you have many people that worry about you. People that would die for you."

Tomoyo pats the top of his head, almost condescendingly, like one would a child, but Fai thinks that he feels very much like a child in that moment, and the action is more acceptable than not.

"I don't want people to make that sacrifice," he murmurs.

Princess Tomoyo stands. There's a small smile on her lips when she speaks again. "I'll take the liberty of speaking not only for Kurogane, but everyone, when I say that you are _worth_ that sacrifice."

While Fai's breath catches in his throat, Tomoyo leaves the room as though she'd said nothing. "You can see him in the morning. I'll have a bath prepared for you in the meantime." She slides the door closed, and left Fai alone with his thoughts.

... He _wasn't_ worth that sacrifice, though. He had always thought that, since he had been very young. And yet...

If _others_ thought that... if he thought that they were stupid for thinking that... did that make _him_ the stupid one? And did that make them _right_? Did he really... _deserve_ this existance? Did he deserve... to _live_?

Kurogane clearly thought so.

Fai blows out a breath, dropping his head back against the wall. He closes his eyes and curls his fingers into his palms.

Perhaps... perhaps he should default to other's opinions. Once in awhile... Maybe he should... default to Kurogane's level of dedication to him, and learn to find that dedication to _himself_.

If he... could. He could... try?

He presses his fingers into fists.

Well, sure. He can try.

 


End file.
